Do you ever feel like there could be ‘more’ to the sex you’re having?
Maybe you feel like there’s a wilder side to you that hasn’t been expressed yet?
Or maybe you feel like things are getting a little ‘routine’ in your bedroom and you want to spice things up?
Whether it’s for your own sexual empowerment or to keep the spark alive in your LTR, keeping variety and playfulness alive are vital to great sex.
As a Couples Therapist and Sexologist, I’ve spent the last 15 years teaching individuals and couples how to feel sexually confident, increase pleasure and ignite lasting desire.
A few simple tricks can make a big difference to your pleasure and confidence.
So, here are 6 proven ways to add spice to your sex life:
1. Learn to ask for what you want in bed
If you want to increase your pleasure in the bedroom and be able to try new things, it’s important that you can talk about it.
This can feel really awkward and daunting at first. We often believe that we shouldn’t have to talk during sex – or that the right partner will just know what we like. We might also feel embarrassed to ask for what we want in case we’re judged or in case we hurt the other person’s feelings.
The research is clear: couples who talk about sex openly and honestly together have better sex.
Here’s 3 ways to start if you’re unsure how:
a) Start with appreciation or encouragement
One of the easiest places to start when it comes to being more vocal in the bedroom is to just let your partner know what they’re doing that you like.
Try these examples:
That feels great.
You really turn me on.
I love what you’re doing with your tongue right now.
b) Ask for what you want
Over and over in couples therapy, I hear women’s partners tell me that they really wish they were given more instruction in bed. The most straightforward way to do it is to just say what it is you want.
I want you inside of me.
I want your fingers inside of me.
I’d love you to go down on me right now.
c) Build anticipation throughout the day
Get your sexual energy flowing and increase sexual desire by building your anticipation of sex throughout the day.
Research shows that women who send their partners suggestive text messages throughout the day or wear sexy lingerie in anticipation of sex have an increased chance of reaching orgasm at night. Tease each other with suggestive conversation while you’re apart. It’ll also add a little spark to your work day.
Not sure how to sext? Here’s two ways to start:
a) Use your past sexual experiences with them as a way to start
I really enjoyed last night. I loved the way you really took control.
I can’t get last night out of my mind. I had such an incredible orgasm.
b) Tell them what you’d like to do next time you see them
I’m daydreaming about seeing you tonight. I’ve been imagining you going down on me…
I can’t wait to see you when I come over tonight… There are all kinds of things I’d like to do to you.
3. Spend at least 20 minutes in foreplay
Women’s bodies need at least 20 minutes of foreplay to fully prepare for sex. But it isn’t just women who benefit from longer in foreplay.
Foreplay is often overlooked as something you do when you can’t have sex – or a necessary stop on the way to the ‘real thing’. But foreplay can dramatically increase pleasure for both of you.
Spending time at least 20 minutes in foreplay significantly increases a woman’s chance of reaching orgasm and can heighten pleasure for anyone.
What to try in foreplay:
• Passionate kissing
• Oral sex
• Using your hands on each other
4. Use protection
There’s a myth that using condoms can decrease pleasure. That’s actual rubbish and here’s why:
When we’re worried about something, our body goes into a stress response and this stops us feeling pleasure.
If you’re worried about catching an STI or falling pregnant during sex, that’s going to inhibit your body’s pleasure response.
Try Moments Date Box – it can surely spice up a lot in bed.
Taking a moment to use a Moment will help you relax and enjoy the moment.
Plus – caring about your own wellbeing and that of a partner? That’s sexy AF.
5. Learn to give a penis massage
Giving a penis massage is more than just a regular hand-job. It’s a fun, loving, sexy way to heat up your bedroom play.
Here’s how it works:
a) Start by giving him a sensual massage all over his body. Think lots of oil and long flowing strokes.
b) Start slowly and gently on his penis – again using plenty of oil
c) Use a variety of strokes, varying the pressure and intensity. My personal favourite is the ‘twist and shout’ where you hold the base of his penis with one hand and use a twisting motion with the other.
d) Bring him to the edge and back a few times so when he eventually does orgasm it’s a more intense sensation.
For more tips on pleasuring a penis, check out this article.
6. Share your sexual fantasies
Sharing your sexual fantasies with a lover can be HOT and intimate. It’s also a great way to understand each other’s sexual desires and things you’d like to try.
Sharing sexual fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean you have to act them out. Some fantasies are hotter when kept in the realm of imagination.